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Тема: Анеки, возможно свежие, возможно баян)))

  1. #281
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    По умолчанию Re: Анеки, возможно свежие, возможно баян)))

    Один мужик решил подшутить над своей тещей... Воспользовавшись тем, что дорогая мама учапала на рынок, зятек выпилил дырку в обеденном столе, потом залез под него, просунул голову в отверстие и замер в таком положении. Скатерть свисала до полу, и тела шутника не было видно. Еще он предварительно обильно полил кетчупом все вокруг своей дурьей башки. А теперь представьте, что увидела вздорная баба, вернувшись домой? На скатерти лужа крови, а в центре стола возлежит отрезанная голова зятя с высунутым языком и скошенными глазами. Тещенька завизжала с такой силой, что с потолка свалилась криво висящая люстра и долбанула любителя розыгрышей прямо по кумполу. Зять, правда, не окочурился, но оглушительно заорал. Теща, услыхав, как отрубленная голова отчаянно матерится, окончательно потеряла рассудок и метнула в парня только что купленный трехлитровый баллон с томат-пастой. Естественно, банка попала шутнику прямо в лоб. Очевидно, кости у мужика были толщиной с бетонную плиту, потому что емкость разбилась, добавив в пейзаж краски. Бедный зять потерял сознание да так и остался сидеть под столом, теперь уже точно похожий на труп. Баба, воя, словно заевшая кофемолка, опрометью бросилась в отделение милиции, расположенное в этом же доме, на первом этаже. Пришедшим ментам при виде апокалиптического зрелища стало дурно, и они даже, потеряв самообладание, попятились к двери. И тут голова, страшная, вся покрытая красными сгустками, подняла веки, бешено завращала глазами, разинула рот и выдала тираду:- Мама! Вашу мать! Мать вашу! Мама!Теща свалилась в обморок, один из ментов рухнул рядом с ней, второй оказался покрепче.- Ты того:, этого:- забубнил он, - паспорт покажь!- Ща вылезу, - просипела башка, - и достану, погодь маненько. Очевидно, перспектива узреть летающую по воздуху за документом голову настолько впечатлила служивого, что он с воплем: ”Спасите! Вампиры!” - ринулся за подмогой. Когда отделение почти в полном составе, с табельным оружием на изготовку вломилось в квартиру, зять, по-прежнему покрытый кетчупом, вызывал ”Скорую помощь”. Итог шутки: у тещи гипертонический криз, один мент стал заикаться, второй теперь всегда глупо хихикает при виде бутылки с кетчупом, зятек получил несколько суток за хулиганство и полное моральное удовлетворение. А теща раз и навсегда перестала приставать к идиоту.

  2. #282
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    По умолчанию Re: Анеки, возможно свежие, возможно баян)))

    ������Рядом открылась новая аптека. Пошёл я за
    аспирином. На бэйджике у продавца
    (фармацевта-провизора) написано: «Аптек-
    менеджер Марина». Что такое Аптек-
    менеджер, я думал долго, недавно узнал…
    Стою в очереди, впереди парень лет 25, потом
    дед, ещё с Деникиным красных рубал, и
    собственно я. За прилавком та самая Аптек-
    менеджер Марина, бабища размером
    1000×1000×1000 годов этак ближе к 60.
    Парень:
    — Упаковку презервативов..
    Аптек-менеджер:
    — А вам ЗАЧЕМ?
    Парень в ступоре… :
    — А вам не всё равно?
    — Ну я же должна помочь вам выбрать…
    — Да, бл%дь, шарики надувать буду!!!
    — Тогда берите exstrastrong, они прочные…
    Парень в афиге… не стесняясь выражений:
    — А если у меня во время этого процесса х...й
    встанет?!
    — Если на мужика, то у нас для анального
    секса только «Голубая луна», а если на
    девушку, то сейчас мы вам что-нибудь
    подберём…
    Очередь катается по полу, парень сине-
    красного цвета… Аптек-менеджер продолжает
    вещание на всю аптеку:
    — Есть с пупырышками, с колечками, супер
    тонкие, спермицидные…
    Парня совсем переклинило…Аптек-менеджер
    ему:
    — А вы оральный секс планируете?
    — С кем?!?!
    — А это всё равно, презервативы для
    орального секса подходят как и мужчинам, так
    и женщинам…
    Парень:
    — Да мне уже вроде не надо…
    — Да вы не волнуйтесь, есть все цвета и
    размеры, вам рекомендую зелёные, под цвет
    глаз.
    Очередь в коме, парень смотрит на всё это
    охреневшими глазами с улыбкой дебила на
    лице…
    — Есть ароматизированые, вам понюхать
    принести?
    Дед из очереди:
    — Чё, использованный что ли? Они же
    герметично упакованные!
    Народ лежит.
    Аптек-менеджер:
    — Какие брать будете?
    Парень, направляясь к двери:
    — Спасибо, уже натрахался…
    Аптек-менеджер деду:
    — А вам что?
    — Калоприёмник и фенозепам!
    — А вам ЗАЧЕМ?
    P. S. За аспирином я не достоялся.

  3. #283
    Опытный лагуновод
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    По умолчанию Re: Анеки, возможно свежие, возможно баян)))

    О различии полов и взглядов:

    Её дневник:

    Сегодня вечером мой муж вёл себя очень странно. Мы договорились поужинать в нашем любимом ресторанчике. Я целый день ходила по магазинам с подружками, и немного опоздала в ресторан, и думала, что его огорчило именно это. Разговор не клеился, и я предложила переместиться в более тихое место, чтобы мы могли спокойно поговорить. Он согласился, но разговорчивей от этого не стал. Я спросила его, что случилось, а он сказал, что ничего не случилось. Я спросила его, виновата ли я в том, что он расстроен. Он сказал, что вовсе не расстроен, что я ни в чём не виновата, и что беспокоиться совершенно не о чём. По дороге домой я сказала ему, что люблю его. Он улыбнулся, и продолжал следить за дорогой. Я не могу объяснить его поведение, не могу понять, почему он не ответил, что тоже любит меня. Когда мы пришли домой, я почувствовала, что совсем потеряла его, что он не хотел иметь со мной ничего общего. Он просто тихо сидел на диване и смотрел телевизор. Он всё так же казался таким далеким и отстраненным. Наконец, всё также в полной тишине, я сказала, что иду спать. Через 15 минут он тоже пришёл в спальню. Я чувствовала, что его что-то беспокоит, и его мысли витают где-то далеко отсюда. Он уснул, а я проплакала полночи. Я не знаю, как мне быть. Я знаю, что в мыслях он где-то в другом месте. Моя жизнь рушится…

    • Его дневник:

    Двигатель заводится через раз и троит, и не могу понять какого х..я.

  4. #284
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    671

    По умолчанию Re: Анеки, возможно свежие, возможно баян)))

    Мама заходит к дочери в комнату и говорит
    - Ещё раз услышу песню "Между нами тает лёд", уеду на неделю к маме.
    Я Выключила. пошла гулять.
    Вечером прихожу домой, и слышу поют "Грибы" и на кухне сидит с горой пельменей отец и ржёт!!!!!!

  5. #285
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    Россия
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    10

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